Listen and Learn

Ok…I’ll admit it. I can’t help myself.  Often, when we eat out or sit waiting for a movie to start with lots of strangers in a theatre, I just have to listen in to the people around me.  Some might call it eavesdropping, and I guess that’s what it is in reality, but, for me, it’s also the chance to get a glimpse into other people’s worlds…to validate my feelings that everybody has a little something going on…sometimes a good something, sometimes a bad something, sometimes just an interesting something. Just yesterday, my husband and I stopped in for a drink at our local suburban sports bar and grill. As I looked out at all the people on that deck, I was taken back to just a few years ago when I sat next to a couple in that same place. They were on a date and discussing, within, two feet of me, loudly, how much they enjoy the “lifestyle.”  For those of you who don’t know..the “lifestyle” is swinging, partner-switching parties and, what sounded like orgies.

Yes…I just said orgies. I’d say that’s definitely in the category of an “interesting” something going on in these people’s lives. Now, tell me that wasn’t a score at the ol’ Friday night hang out for kids’ baseball and soccer teams and their families!  My two kids and husband had just walked away from the table to hit the game room for a bit while I waited for the drinks to come and to place the order for my family. So, I was openly sitting there by myself with nothing to do but hear what the people around me were saying. It started a bit cryptic. A woman in her mid to late 40s and a guy about the same age. They were clearly on an early date in their relationship. You could just tell by how they greeted each other, the kind of stilted, “How was your day?” and “Oh…I didn’t realize you liked a good work out that much” type of conversation. That’s what originally drew me in. The woman was a bit nervous, the man trying to play her a bit. So, I was in…it had potential for a second marriage, later in life type of love. A mini, real-life soap opera right there as I sat staring off by myself trying to busy myself with other things around me…my blackberry, the menu, etc.

Then, he asked her, “So…what did you think that first time?”  Hmmm, I thought…first time for what?  She giggled nervously. “Oh, I don’t know. I wasn’t sure what a party like that would be like.  It wasn’t as unusual as I thought though. The invitation was very tasteful so that helped me feel more at ease. It felt like I could just come and check it out but I didn’t have to participate. Then, I got there and it was like any party and no one pressured me, but it was exciting when I saw people start to leave the room together.”

His response: “Yes…yes. It’s exciting all right.”  He then mumbled something a bit unintelligible but I got the gist…it turned him on and he was baiting her to see if it turned her on too.  She didn’t play along. She giggled in the right spots and smiled and gave him enough tempered response to keep him interested but not to commit. I got the distinct impression that she liked him and wanted some sort of relationship and was either truly interested in this lifestyle or just really interested in dating someone right now and was willing to push her boundaries a little for that. (I was tempted to use the word desperate vs interested here but I’ll reserve that judgment…because, you know, she may have found what she was looking for and all. We’ll say I definitely found what I was looking for in that particular evening out, sitting by myself…because the conversation only got better from there.)

He, starting to get to a point that he was losing some control, was almost unable to hold back his animalistic grunts and man-at-a-strip-club “UHHHH HUHHHH”‘s when he described the next party coming up. She, was saying how she was worried because she had seen a woman from work at the last one and then laughed because when they saw each other at the office the next week, they just smiled knowingly. “I know,” he said. “What’s she going to do? Blow the whistle on you and admit she was there, too?  Hey…maybe you two could hook up at work now.”  Clearly, the hook up…followed by a big “UHHH HUHHHH” did not mean lunch together in his mind. She let that one go. And, then, I had to let it all go because my family had returned.

My husband still laughs about how, when they sat back at the table, I was sitting there trying not to make a scene but staring at him with huge eyes and trying to make him recognize that something BIG had finally happened at a table near us as I sat listening. After years of him dealing with me juggling our conversations and those of the tables around us, I thought he deserved to get in on this action, but he wasn’t able to understand my cryptic eye motions, so he lost out. The story lives on with us though. I finally got to unload it all on him when we got home and the kids went off to play in another room. Months later, we were at the same place and that same couple came back in.  He was wearing a shirt advertising some web site. So my husband checked it out…it mentioned “the lifestyle” but also listed this guy’s past career history…currently a life coach, also, at one point, an internet guy and prior to that some type of entrepreneurship.  Pretty much fits the bill. What didn’t to me, was the woman. After the first time I’d seen them, I had expected her to be dabbling in this after a recent divorce or long-term relationship ending badly. She seemed too nervous, too mainstream.  But, when we saw them again, she seemed much more happy and comfortable in her own skin. The lifestyle was serving her well apparently.

There are people out there living all kinds of lifestyles…they walk among us and we assume they are just like us but each and every person is driven by their own codes, their own morals and their own thoughts, desires and ideas. Just the other day, I sat at a hair salon for several hours getting a treatment done. I chatted with my stylist and read for much of it, but I also listened. You think people will tell a bartender anything…check out what they’ll tell their hair stylists. I heard one woman talking about her nights out recently and wondering aloud why her back was hurting so badly after noting that she’d been dancing all night with several men and didn’t think much of it at the time but maybe, just maybe, the 5 glasses of wine masked the pain when it was happening. I heard others bemoaning their bad marriages and talking about visiting old boyfriends at their workplaces just to check in, not for anything more, of course.  And, even more, discussing troubles at home with their kids….loudly, for all to hear, because they were under hair dryers and were nearly yelling to be heard by the one person they thought they were discussing this with.

Yep…everyone has something…some good, some bad and some just plain interesting. And, I love when I’m able to collect stories, not to judge, not to name names, but just to share. Forget reality TV…this is reality…there are all kinds of lives being lived out there. We can judge or, as long as it’s not hurting anyone, we can enjoy the show. We can also learn a valuable lesson…before you share something very personal in a public place, check out how close you are sitting to the nearest stranger! Because, I for one know there’s plenty in my life people might be watching, listening to what I talk about to my stylist  and judging in quick conversations with their friends that start with “You wouldn’t believe what I just heard” and end with “Man…and she looked so normal!”